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Friday Funnies

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#41
JA

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Only if koko farts in the pool!
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it, it's Spam.

#42
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Your fixation to koko's anal excretions is noted.

#43
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*
POPULAR

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

#44
Chriselle

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. . . . . crickets . . . . . . . ..
Waa...Beekurishita!! That's right...Big Chris Da!

#45
snowjunky

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Arab student sends an e-mail to his oil-rich Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

********************************************************

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad

Loving Son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Unsane

#46
snowjunky

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Lessons

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked infront of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with yourshareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up herleg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch whenthey find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and thelove of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, afox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'butI haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They'repacked with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of thetree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird frozeand fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize howwarm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Unsane

#47
snowjunky

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Unsane

#48
Chriselle

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It's Fri...day.....woot Fri.......day.. Yipee Friday....

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Waa...Beekurishita!! That's right...Big Chris Da!

#49
snowjunky

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Yay friday - looking forward to weekend bbq's

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Unsane

#50
DiGriz

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Oops...
AKA Slippery Jim:

#51
snowjunky

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Friday Funnies - some sexist, some rascist, most very humerous..................just like the old days

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover
the house. Turns out she was a Slovak..


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it
gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut..

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans
over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you
think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Unsane

#52
DiGriz

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:bumtish: :rollabout: :cheers:
AKA Slippery Jim:

#53
snowjunky

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1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor... Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.”

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Unsane

#54
snowjunky

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Try to guess what this commercial is for …

BEFORE it ends… Bet you can't !!!

A great ad.


Unsane

#55
snowjunky

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THE BLONDE AND THE LORD.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos,
and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
Unsane

#56
kokodoko

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My rabbit loves his job. He digs things; and he works for an annual celery.

#57
Thunderbird2

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You should feed him more.

#58
kokodoko

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some welsh rarebit ?

#59
snowjunky

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#60
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:lol:







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