71 replies to this topic

[TubbyBeaverinho]

[Winter Vacation]

[snowjunky]

Longevity


The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[snowjunky]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[snowjunky]

[brit-gob]

[snowjunky]

I may have posted this before - can't remember, but worth a re-run

[Winter Vacation]

yes you have.

[snowjunky]

the biggest dick?

[Winter Vacation]

[DumbStick]

snowjunky, on 08 April 2014 - 10:25 AM, said:

I just love penguins.

[snowjunky]

The Dinner

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..........

............"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

[snowjunky]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

---------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION !
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[snowjunky]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “ Pour lukewarm water around the edges. ”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Whole computer screwed up now.”

[snowjunky]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

[snowjunky]

SUBJECT: FW: The sensuous wife..!!!

WITH A VERY SEDUCTIVE VOICE THE WOMAN ASKED HER HUSBAND, "HAVE
YOU EVER SEEN TWENTY DOLLARS ALL CRUMPLED UP?"

"NO," SAID HER HUSBAND.

SHE GAVE HIM A SEXY LITTLE SMILE, UNBUTTONED THE TOP 3 OR 4
BUTTONS OF HER BLOUSE, AND SLOWLY REACHED DOWN INTO THE
CLEAVAGE CREATED BY A SOFT, SILKY PUSH-UP BRA, AND PULLED OUT
A CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.

HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED TWENTY DOLLAR BILL FROM HER AND SMILED
APPROVINGLY.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?"

"UH... NO, I HAVEN'T," HE SAID, WITH AN ANXIOUS TONE IN HIS
VOICE.

SHE GAVE HIM ANOTHER SEXY LITTLE SMILE, PULLED UP HER SKIRT,
AND SEDUCTIVELY REACHED INTO HER TIGHT, SHEER PANTIES... AND
PULLED OUT A CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL.

HE TOOK THE CRUMPLED FIFTY DOLLAR BILL, AND STARTED BREATHING
A LITTLE QUICKER WITH ANTICIPATION.

"NOW," SHE SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN $50,000 DOLLARS ALL
CRUMPLED UP?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused
and excited, to which she replied

"Go look in the garage".

[onsen tamago]

haha some good ones

Until next week.

[snowjunky]

yeah yeah I know it's not Tuesday yet but I am busy tomorrow, though really I just can't wait to post these beauties

Cover your eyes
GOODY GOODY! THE FIRST WALMART PICTURES OF 2014

THIS IS WHAT THE "BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE" ARE WEARING THIS SEASON IN WALMART


You have no idea how exhausting it can be putting on tight purple sweat pants!! Pensacola, Florida



Don't laugh! Its okay, because today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy Hair Day, all rolled into one. College Station, Texas



Apparently, Lester Flem doesn't know whether he's homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual. However, if you look up the word 'Transgender' in the dictionary...BINGO!!!! There you will see a picture of dear old flaming Lester in his boots. Laguna Niguel, California



Packing this rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to hide an elephant behind a squirrel. Seattle, Washington



And men claim they can't meet classy women in stores? Go figure! Louisville, Kentucky



Is that a THONG Ollie Hopnoddle is wearing?? I can't look again or I'll go blind. Mountain Brook , Alabama



For my own sanity, I have to assume that Gussie Klothgrunt is shoplifting two pork roasts in her shirt ... simply because there is no possible way that can be anything other that two pork roasts in her shirt. Can't be! Forestdale, Alabama



No way, Laquanda, absolutely not! That outfit does not at all make
you look like a Hooker. Midlothian, Virginia



It's like a big pink garbage bag filled with creamed corn and door knobs.
Houston, Texas



This is perfectly understandable. This one was just on her way to the Country Club when she remembered she needed some coffee and a couple of yoga videos. Besides, she thought to herself, I'll just throw on these gray shorts and I'll be smokin'. Nashville, Tennessee



I love talking with Freidagurtz Finkelstein, because she always seems so surprised and interested in what I have to say. Grand Rapids, Michigan



Holy Golden Illusions of Grandeur, I gotta get me that outfit!!!! Alpharetta, Georgia



Either that lady has a tail or Barney is stuck where the sun doesn't shine. Loves Park, Illinois





I'm not sure what kinky Bathsheba Squeal plans to do with that pie filling, but there is just something about her that tells me she doesn't bake, she doesn't watch Rachael Ray, and she has no intention of using that pie filling in the kitchen. La Verne, California




I have infinite admiration for the sheer strength of good quality denim. Moreover, I will be eternally thankful if Honeysuckle's jeans wait until she reaches the truck to explode. Seriously, they should consider using denim on the next NASA space shuttle. Spring, Texas






For those times when you need fried okra and chicken strips so badly, that you just can't wait for the bleach to set. Oxford, Mississippi


Phew, that's it SJ'ers................I think I am going to have to lie down now.

[Wizz]

[Winter Vacation]

Dem yanks sure are ****ing weird.