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#41
snowjunky

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*
POPULAR

An early Tuesday Titter here as I am rather busy in the morning:-

A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.


After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted:

I'll do the f...ing dishes!!
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#42
Winter Vacation

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:clap:

#43
TubbyBeaverinho

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:lol:
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good Chairmen do nothing

#44
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Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
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#45
griller

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"3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out."

I can!

#46
TubbyBeaverinho

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View Postgriller, on 13 May 2014 - 12:29 PM, said:

"3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out."

I can!


Quote

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


:p
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good Chairmen do nothing

#47
snowjunky

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View Postgriller, on 13 May 2014 - 12:29 PM, said:

"3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out."

I can!


Good one Griller

Can you also touch the hotplate with your tongue?

he he he
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#48
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only when it's turned on.

#49
Peetan

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View PostWinter Vacation, on 13 May 2014 - 07:07 PM, said:

only when it's turned on.


This could be the punch line to so many things..

#50
snowjunky

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:bumtish:
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#51
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I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans.
*
I told them to shove off!!
*
*
Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!


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#52
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Difference between grandparents

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her Launceston school, daily, by her Grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the Grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'
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#53
frannyo

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Haha. I had to read that twice actually. :lol:
Coconuts.

#54
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Sorry, I'l use a bigger font next time :D
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#55
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Got to love older people!


Posted Image


While Eddie was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica .
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting

sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."


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#56
BagOfCrisps

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:lol:
That's a smashing blouse you've got on

#57
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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
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#58
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Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......

Posted Image


She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty bastard went on to sing about it !
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#59
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This is too beautiful not to share:-

Where Would You Be?

Posted Image

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:


IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEYYOUR HEART DESIRES.
IF -YOU HAD NO WORRIES.
IF -YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU.
IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN.
IF -YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS & PETS.
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,WITH OPEN ARMSAND KISSES?

SO,WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!!






You'd be at the
WRONG F***IN' HOUSE!
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#60
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Boom Tish material

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu'

Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned

A seal walks into a club..

:bumtish:
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