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#61
snowjunky

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Two well dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a Fcuck?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?".
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#62
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Seven Degrees Of Blond

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it
to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
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#63
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BAD Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Posted Image

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

Posted Image

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,............... "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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#64
seemore

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I Never knew this.
In the Kingdom of Thailand

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!

#65
seemore

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The joke of the week
Ol' Fred was in the hospital, badly ill. The family called his personal physician and best friend to stand with them.
As his best friend stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.
Â
His friend lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note,
then immediately after, died. Â The friend, in his grief, put the note in his wallet and forgot about it.Â
Â
2 days later, at the funeral, as he was finishing a speech about the life of his best friend Fred, he realised that he still
had the note.
Â
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
Â
He opened the note and read,
"You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Â

#66
TubbyBeaverinho

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:lol: I liked that last one
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good Chairmen do nothing

#67
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Belated Tuesday Titter

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
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#68
HighlyTrainedExNovaTeacher

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:lol:

#69
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I FEEL SAFE AT HOME AT LAST!

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood
Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each
corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, ASIO and other intelligence services are all watching
my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.
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#70
snowjunky

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
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#71
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties !!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

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#72
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